Your mind does interesting math as you get older. I get persistent nausea thinking about how fast the past twenty years flew by. Months before my 40th birthday last year, I kept doing the calculation:
If the next twenty years go as fast as the last, then I’m already sixty—which means I’m basically already eighty.
Time x Speed = Life
I felt like a life-sized cardboard cutout of the new millennial midlife crisis.
To my horror, I continued to write through my disorientation. I felt like a woman walking the plank. Everyone told me life was just beginning, but I couldn’t shake the feeling it was slipping through my fingers each day—and I was powerless to stop it.
As my sense of self cracked around me, I saw the lie come into focus:
We were told we could be anyone and anything we wanted.
But the options are endless, and time is limited.
It’ll never add up to enough.
Facing what my math revealed about myself, and the truth of time and speed, I saw my crisis was telling me how I wanted to spend the rest of my life. So I put on my big girl pants, turned toward the secrets I had tucked neatly under my pillow at night, and let them into the light.
That’s when a new truth emerged to replace the lie:
You have everything you need within you.
You are whole. You are enough.
I was not in despair over a decline into obscurity. I craved an experience I had denied myself. Life wasn’t about surviving and becoming. It was about being whole and feeling human and making room for joy, desire, delight, pleasure, connection, love, and wonderment.
Life was just beginning—and I was learning to slow down and enjoy it.
Seeking Slowness When Life Speeds Up
Amid this call for slowness, my life is speeding up. There will never be a busier season of life than this one. My kids are blossoming into themselves, and with this comes friends, hobbies, sports, and memories to be made as a family. Joe is stepping into a season of his career where he wants to test his limits, grow into himself, and see what’s possible when he taps into his talent.
And me. I find myself today overflowing with energy to put into the world.
What does one do when the fullness of life threatens to sweep away the ability to savor life itself?
I’ve been making strides to slow down daily, even when everything is swirling around me. I’ve started small, with the tiniest adjustments. Today, I’m writing about why slowing down matters so much to me and how I’m practicing slowness in this busy season of life.
Why Slowing Down Matters to Me
I’m tired. That was one of the big secrets I had tucked under my pillow. Life is busy and I don’t have the energy to puff myself up and cheerlead anymore. What I can do, however, is slow down enough to notice when I need rest.
The dichotomy of being bone tired and having a renewed sense of purpose in life is fascinating. It’s like learning to tame a new kind of beast, one that responds to tenderness rather than domineering, alpha-like control. Life is busy, getting things done matters, and enjoyment matters, too. So what does the balance look like? How is slowing down even possible in a busy season of life?
I don’t have a perfect system. But I am not willing to go back to “keeping up” or feeling a pervasive sense of lack. Instead, I have a values-based approach, a willingness to keep practicing these habits, and a lot of forgiveness for myself. Because I’m tired. And I’m alive.
How to Slow Down: 7 Ways I’m Slowing Down in a Busy Season of Life
1. Tune into physical cues.
When I’m rushing through life, I’ve noticed my pace is reflected through physical cues in my body. A few examples include:
- A clenched jaw
- Short, shallow breaths and finding it unnatural to breathe deeply
- A tight grip on the wheel when I’m driving
- Hunched shoulders while sitting
- Clumsiness and dropping things
In practicing slowness, the most important thing for me is to notice and gently redirect these physical responses. I unclench my jaw, take a few slow, deep breaths, loosen my grip on the wheel, and sit up straight with relaxed shoulders. Keep in mind that your physical response to busyness may look different than mine. Tune into what they are for you and slowly begin to redirect them.
2. Monotask.
All my life, I have tended to multitask. At one point last month, I was making flan, writing an invitation, and texting people at the same time. When I’m rushing through life and doing multiple things at once, I feel more stressed and am much more likely to make mistakes.
Now, when I notice myself multitasking, I try to redirect. I pause, pick one thing to focus on, and move to the next thing once I’m done with it.
3. Lower my expectations.
Even as I’ve made slowing down a priority, I’ve still at times felt like I should be able to meet the same expectations as I did when I was rushing through life. When I think about it logically, I know this is impossible.
I have yet to perfect the art of setting expectations, but I am trying to be more honest with myself. I’m trying to communicate what’s feasible with the people in my life. When I don’t get everything done, I’m trying not to stress about it. Because most of the time, if I’m being totally honest, the stuff I feel pressure to get done can wait. Most of the time, it can wait.
As I wrote in a recent House Call post, “When I can’t rush through everything, I have to do less, and doing less means I have to know what’s important.” This leads me to my next point:
4. Focus on what’s most important.
There are still things that need to get done every day, whether for my work or personal life. I’ve always had a tendency to procrastinate when I’m feeling overwhelmed, which only leads to future stress and rushing. I’m doing what I can to change this tendency. Instead of avoiding it, I’m learning to sit with the impulse to procrastinate and the discomfort of doing hard things.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I find it helpful to accomplish one small, easy task first. This small accomplishment gives me a bit of a dopamine boost, ignites momentum, and makes me feel capable of doing something else. I’ll then move on to a bigger, high-priority task and give myself adequate time (more than I think I’ll need) to complete it. By giving myself the time and space to complete what’s important rather than avoiding it entirely, I’m caring about my current and future self.
5. Remove the filler.
I’m better able to slow down in my everyday life when I have more time to spare. Decreasing the amount of time I’m spending on distractions—like responding to every text message and scrolling on my phone—makes a slower pace of living plausible.
I’ve also become ruthless with myself about what I actually enjoy consuming. I’ll opt for sitting quietly rather than listening to a podcast. I’ve noticed most TV shows on Netflix aren’t worth the time.
But this is about what YOU want. No one can tell you what you like.
So get selective about what you entertain yourself with. If devouring reality TV is restorative, prioritize it. If it’s feeling like a distraction, let it go. Only you can be honest with yourself about what gets your precious attention. Wield it like it’s yours to own.
6. Accept my humanness.
Accepting my humanness is a crucial step in giving myself the grace to slow down. I had a recent two-week stretch when I made more mistakes than usual—all with repercussions both to my pride and my family—and it rocked me into reality.
I can beat myself up about mistakes, but it doesn’t make me special, or broken, or different than anyone else.
Fucking up—a lot—is part of life. It’s something we all share.
It’s also one of the best ways to connect with people. In the absence of perfection and optimization, we have an opportunity to connect about what it means to be human. We tend to believe we’ll be rejected if we open up about our lived experience, but it’s often not the case.
Yeah, people judge—and honestly, there’s no better way to figure out who you need to boot from your inner circle—but there are a lot of people (ones you probably want to keep around) who will feel seen and validated through your mistakes. Slowing down has helped me break the cycle of self-shaming and opened opportunities to deepen my relationships.
7. Set interpersonal boundaries.
Slowing down necessitates saying “no” at times. One of the ways I’ve had to set boundaries in this season of life is saying no to traveling around the holidays. This is uncomfortable. I don’t like it. But when we are honest with others about our limitations, we are being kind. We are saying, I want to be with you when I am able to *be* with you. Not as an add-on, extra, or obligation. No one wants that.
With the people closest to us, it can be hard and uncomfortable to set boundaries. But you abandon the truth of your experience when you say “yes” to everything. We think this is selfless, but in doing so, we don’t allow the people who love us to support us in the way we need to be supported.
Time is a funny thing. Slowing down when life speeds up feels terrifying. That is until you realize there’s more life to be lived when you’re there to fully experience it.
Kate is the founder of Wit & Delight. She is currently learning how to play tennis and is forever testing the boundaries of her creative muscle. Follow her on Instagram at @witanddelight_.