The Breaker Times

I like to have people over for meals, and over time it’s become second nature. I noticed a recurring question from friends and readers centered around the basics of hosting. Curious to know more, I put out a question on Instagram asking which hosting topics you want me to cover. Over and over again, people asked how to plan a dinner party—especially how to decide who to invite among different friend groups who don’t know each other.

With so many questions on how to initiate hosting in the first place, I want to share my advice on how to plan a dinner party at home. This includes how to create a guest list, how to decide on a date, and how to send invites. It’s these initial steps that may sound simple but often get people stuck and deter them from hosting at all. 

I hope this post removes some of the barriers that keep so many from planning dinner parties (or brunches, happy hours, and simple afternoon get-togethers) and connecting with the people in their lives.

If you’re eager for more hosting content, my friend Lisa and I are launching an entertaining series on Wit & Delight later this month. We’ll dive into how to host different kinds of gatherings at home. In each post, we’ll share everything you need to know to make hosting a breeze, including a timeline for the day before and the day of, a detailed grocery list, and recipes for each menu item. Stay tuned!

How to Plan a Dinner Party in 3 Simple Steps

1. Create a Guest List

Ask Yourself a Few Questions

Before creating your guest list, ask yourself a few questions. The first is, How many people can I comfortably host? This question factors in constraints like space in your home, time in your schedule, and how much you want to budget. I almost always think it’s better to invite fewer people (usually between two and four) than a large group. I prefer to have talked to everyone at my house!

Next, ask yourself, What do I want to get out of the occasion? This question helps me narrow down what I want the gathering to look like and who I want to invite. Your answer might be one of the following (or something else entirely):

• Build new relationships
• Strengthen relationships I already have
• Intermingle friend groups

Create Your Guest List

Here are a few ways you could go about it, based on your answers to the questions above. 

• If your goal is to build new relationships, consider inviting up to four people you aren’t super close with yet.
• If your goal is to strengthen relationships you already have, consider inviting one or two close friends.
• If your goal is to intermingle friend groups, consider inviting five or so people from different social circles who you think would enjoy getting to know each other.

Guest List Examples

To shed some light on what different guest lists look like, here are a few examples of gatherings I’ve hosted.

Hosting people from different friend groups.

My goal for this kind of occasion is to nudge my friends (and myself) out of their comfort zone and give them the chance to connect with people they might enjoy.

I keep these kinds of occasions to five guests max (six including me). I find that anything more than six people makes it difficult for everyone to have a chance to get to know each other. Six people is the perfect number for group conversations and side conversations. 

Hosting two families from the kids’ school.

My goal for this occasion was for Joe and I to simply get to know a few couples we’ll be interacting with at school on a personal level.

I kept the guest list to two couples so it would be easy to connect with everyone in attendance. Any more than two could mean we’re chatting in small pods rather than connecting altogether.

As a group, we decided to have kids at this dinner for the same reason: We wanted the kids to have a chance to get to know one another better, too. In this case, one family had an older sibling who was “in charge” of the kids while we ate. We divided cooking for the adult menu between families and ordered pizza for the kids instead of having them eat the same meal as us. 

Hosting one core group of friends.

My goal for this kind of occasion is to catch up with people I love in a relaxed setting.

On a recent occasion, I invited a group of college friends I hadn’t seen in a while. I kept the guest list to four (five including myself), which felt like a small enough number to get properly reacquainted with everyone.

Hosting one friend (or one couple) for a simple meal.

My goal for this kind of occasion is to truly reconnect with this one person (or couple).

This is an example of hosting I turn to a lot—and it’s one I think people forget about or discount. These simple occasions are how I maintain close relationships with the core friends in my life. The meal is usually very simple, like a hearty soup or a big, warming pasta dish.

2. Decide on a Date

Once you have your guest list, decide on a date. If I’m hosting a more elaborate gathering, I’ll usually opt for a weekend. If I’m hosting something simple, a weeknight is a good choice.

I might choose one date based on what works for me and what I think will work well for the people I’m inviting. Or, I’ll narrow in on a couple of dates that work for me and then send a short list of options to the guests, so they can chime in based on their availability. If it’s a newer group of people I haven’t hosted regularly, I’ll likely send a few options. If it’s a close group of friends, I’m more likely to simply choose a date.

Remember, as the host, you’re in the driver’s seat. Don’t be afraid to be decisive! While it’s sometimes necessary to send options instead of simply making the decisions yourself, I find that crowdsourcing preferences can be overwhelming. Part of the role of the host is to guide things along, not only on the day itself but also in the planning process. 

3. Send the Invitation 

How to Send an Invitation

My recommendation: Keep invitations simple! I almost always send the invite via a simple text. Here’s what it looks like:

• If the people I’m inviting already know each other, I’ll usually send a group text.
• If they don’t know each other, I text each person separately and include a list of attendees so they’re aware of who else will be there. Once everyone has confirmed, I’ll merge the text thread so I can keep everyone in the loop on details. Since everyone’s already on the same text thread, new acquaintances can skip the step of swapping numbers if they want to reconnect after the party.
• If I were hosting a more elaborate gathering with a large group (which is rare), I would consider another route like sending a Paperless Post invitation via text. I am not much of an email person when it comes to dinner plans! 

I think it’s best to defer to whatever communication medium you most often use with friends. For me, that’s text. If that’s email for you, go for it! 

When to Send an Invitation

As a general rule of thumb, the less close you are to the guests, the further out the invitation should be sent. The closer you are to them, the closer the invite can go out. If I’m crowdsourcing dates, I tend to send the invitation text a little earlier than I would otherwise. Here are a few general timelines I tend to stick to:

• If I’m hosting a mix of people from different friend groups, I’ll send the invitation 14 to 30 days in advance.
• If I’m hosting new friends, I’ll send the invitation 7 to 20 days in advance.
• If I’m hosting my core group of friends, I’ll send the invitation 3 to 14 days in advance. 
• If I’m hosting one close friend or couple, I’ll send the invitation 3 to 14 days in advance—or sometimes even on the morning of.

Sample Invitations

In the invitation, I include all the key details: The date, time, guest list (if it’s not a group text), and if I have any specific plans they should know about. If I’m hosting anyone I haven’t had over before, I’ll also ask them to share whether they have dietary restrictions so I can plan or update the menu accordingly.

Here are a few sample texts I’ve sent:

• “Hey! I am making a lasagna, want to come over tonight? Kids are welcome.” 
• “We haven’t cooked together in a while, let’s find a date that works for the group! I’m pretty open in Sept. How about the week of Sept 12? I’ll host.” 
• “Lisa, Marlo, and I are cooking together on August 6. Can you join us at my place?”
• “Hi! I’d to have you and your spouses over for dinner. We’re around August 16,17, and 24-18. Any of those dates work for you? Kids or no? I’m open to either!”

Do What Works for You

The singular piece of advice I have for planning a dinner party is to do it in a way that reflects you. I am quite casual, which is why text messages and shorter timelines work for me. If you’re a more formal person, extend the invitation in a way that feels most comfortable. Maybe you like to make plans further in advance. If you’re Type A, use a Doodle to crowdsource dates and assign people something to bring. People love to be told what to do in situations like this! 

When you open yourself up to connecting with others in your home over food, don’t be tempted to cosplay Martha Stewart. The best invitations are ones sent with the genuine intent of spending time together. You can’t go wrong if every decision you make is with this in mind.

Like this topic? Read these posts next:

Cookbook Club 101: What It Is and How to Start Your Own

7 of My Best Tips for Hosting a Dinner Party Everyone Will Enjoy

My 8 Favorite Cookbooks to Cook From Right Now

6 Entertaining Essentials That Make Hosting More Seamless